CELEBRITIES



(ANDREW and CHRISTIAN, two young men in their early thirties, carry on the following telephone conversation.)


CHRISTIAN
Oui, allo?

ANDREW
Christian, it's Andrew.

CHRISTIAN
Andrew mon ami, comment ca va? What time does your flight come in?

ANDREW
Six o'clock.

CHRISTIAN
Good, that will give us time to eat before watching the Canadiens cream the Leafs.

ANDREW
Dream on, Christian, dream on! They're going to wipe your guys all over the ice!

CHRISTIAN
How quickly you turn against Quebec once you leave, eh? I remember when you lived here you thought the Canadiens were the best thing in hockey.

ANDREW
Yeah, well I was young then and surrounded by all you Quebecois.

CHRISTIAN
Oh it is so sad to hear an old friend afflicted with Toronto-brain. You obviously need a reminder of what a real city is all about.

ANDREW
Ah-huh and now I suppose you're going to tell me again that Quebec is the cultural capital of Canada?

CHRISTIAN
Why would I say that? I don't believe in stating the obvious.

ANDREW
Christian, Christian, Christian, you keep saying that, but you know as well as I do that all the really famous Canadians come from outside Quebec. Everytime we have this discussion, I win!

CHRISTIAN
Well considering that Quebecers only make up 25% of the population, I think we win!

ANDREW
Anne Murray, Gordon Lightfoot.

CHRISTIAN
Felix Leclerc and Celine Dion.

ANDREW
Rita MacNeil

CHRISTIAN
Robert Charlebois

ANDREW
Neil Young

CHRISTIAN
Richard Seguin

ANDREW
k. d. lang

CHRISTIAN
Michel Rivard

ANDREW
Donald Sutherland

CHRISTIAN
Carole Laure

ANDREW
Michael J. Fox

CHRISTIAN
Genevieve Bujold

ANDREW
Jason Priestly

CHRISTIAN
Robert Lepage

ANDREW
Raymond Massey, and Raymond Burr.

CHRISTIAN
Fossils! I always know you're getting desperate when you start resorting to fossils.

ANDREW
Bryan Adams. I suppose he's a fossil?

CHRISTIAN
Compared to Mitsou, yes.

ANDREW
Tom Cochrane

CHRISTIAN
Yvon Deschamps

ANDREW
Leonard Cohen

CHRISTIAN
Ah Ah Ah! No you don't, Leonard Cohen is from Montreal.

ANDREW
But he's anglophone!

CHRISTIAN
He's from Quebec, and all Quebecers go on my list, French or English; so don't go saying Oscar Peterson either.

ANDREW
I have no need to. But in that case, I can claim Daniel Lavoie, Edith Butler, Roch Voisine .. none of whom are from Quebec.

CHRISTIAN
It just goes to show that despite their small numbers, francophone Canadians can't help but excel. Luc Plamondon.

ANDREW
Maragaret Laurence

CHRISTIAN
Anne Hebert

ANDREW
Margaret Atwood

CHRISTIAN
Roch Carrier

ANDREW
Robertson Davies

CHRISTIAN
Yves Beauchemin

ANDREW
John Candy

CHRISTIAN
Andre Philippe Gagnon

ANDREW
Dan Ackroyd

CHRISTIAN
No, no, no, there you go again. Dan Ackroyd is originally from Hull, Quebec.

ANDREW
A technicality. Michelle Wright

CHRISTIAN
Emile Nelligan

ANDREW
Marshall McLuhan

CHRISTIAN
Louis Lortie

ANDREW
Glenn Gould

CHRISTIAN
le Cirque du Soleil

ANDREW
Wayne Gretsky

CHRISTIAN
Mario Lemieux. And just about everybody else in the National Hockey League.

ANDREW
Oh yeah, like all the really big names: Bobby Orr, Bobby Hull, Darryl Sittler...

CHRISTIAN
Jean Beliveau, Maurice Richard, Guy Lafleur...

ANDREW
Don Cherry

CHRISTIAN
You can keep Don Cherry.